a scribble of jo

where to?

for now: recent posts

  • just enough time

    This picture came up in Google Photos a few days back. “8 years ago today,” the caption read. I remember the moment we took this photo—I was cranky over touring a city that promised a lot of delicious food options but still left me hungry; he was happy to just be together. That’s how it…

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  • known better

    If I had known better, I would have laid my body down and taken my last breath with his. This past year has taught me nothing more than the lesson, “It always gets harder.” I should have known better. I should have looked around the Emergency Room and seen my husband’s body and I should…

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  • now I wake

    I take baths at three in the morning now, when the babies rest and sleep escapes my halfhearted grasp. It used to be after school, when Eric was alive, because he would see how tired I was by the time I got home from school and he would want to see me relax. He loved…

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  • the pieces of

    I miss you. Your physical presence next to me when I wake up in the middle of the night. The sounds of you puttering around the house while the rest of us sleep. The knowledge that you will lock the doors before you go to sleep. These comforts exist no longer. They were buried with…

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  • but myself more than all

    What doesn’t make sense to me is how this loss, the death of my husband, the person who knew me more intimately than all others, has turned me into a stranger to even myself. I don’t recognize that woman in the mirror. That hand holding my child. The voice in the video. I can wrap…

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Find other ramblings and older posts by checking out the before: archives

currently

It doesn’t come naturally, choosing this over all the other demands the day is making. It doesn’t come naturally, training my pipsqueaks to give a little space, so I can “do my Bible.” It doesn’t come naturally, waking up early and following through.